Dear Jen Ruw

It's a long night for many of us, and the heart is still heavy.
With the few weddings lining up in a row, who would have thought that there is a funeral ahead of them?
The memory started to play its trick, having the flashback keep playing in my mind.

From the first day we welcome you at the midst of us with our clapping, to the help you offered when I was making Raymond's memorial book, to the days in Samuel, ... and the last glance of your lifeless body in your bedroom.

I just want to let you know that I do love you as my (macho but) little brother; most important of all, I do know for sure that - God loves you, more than any one of us, and you are in very good hand right now.

31st Oct 1990 - 5th Aug 2010

I will miss you. I will miss your Garfield-like smiling face, your nonsense joke, your emo sharing, your laughter, our never-ending-whacking-each-other competition, our constant msn whipping emoticon fight; because that makes you YOU. =)

We will meet again.

Maybe, this is it =)

Someday We'll Know

90 miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind

Whatever happened to Emelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky
Is true love once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the titanic cry

Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know, why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know, why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight

Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know, why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know, why I wasn't meant for you

Someday we'll know, why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know, that I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
I watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask god just one question
Why aren't you here with me

Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know, why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know, why I wasn't meant for you

Someday we'll know, why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know, that I was the one for you


Yes, someday, we'll know... =)

May we have enough happiness to make us sweet, enough trials to make us strong, enough sorrow to keep us human, and enough hope to make us happy.

Happy Anniversary to the Friendship at Bizarre Place!

As I was writing an email to Adam - the Aussie friend I met back in Fiji, after our last email correspondence back in 2009 New Year; much flash back of the memories came back...

It was exactly one year ago, my adventure at Fiji Island =)
I have been through good and bad times there, mostly good times. Looking at those pictures I took & the foot prints I left behind, I was indeed happy during then. I am very thankful for those companionship & support over the internet when I was extremely gloomy. Hehe!

And I could still remember clearly, me making those silly phone calls to him during my last night at Fiji... One year had gone, many things have changed.
Promises were made & broken, but life still goes on.

Be strong.

Melancholic Moment

There were some researches shows that creativity and sadness are linked. They thinks that embracing some sadness can boost creative thinking and allow for more complex relationships with the rest of the world. They also points to the great history of artists, dreamers, thinkers and innovators who derived inspiration from being melancholy.

Of course, I would not agree to embrace sadness to boost creativity, but definitely they're linked, as least for me.
Most of the time, I wrote when I'm in my melancholic mode.
And I take a peep at both my old & new blog archive, I have about 180 melancholic moments compare to 12 happy moments since I start writing.

Emo? I think I'm too grown up for that =)
Effecting others with your negative emotion is something I refrain myself from doing, it doesn't help by spreading it.

An outlet to express, I would say. A tip of the iceberg how I really felt.

Pressure of life, drained me to the uttermost.

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

* Eccl 3:1-8 *

He makes all things beautiful in His time.

Yellow

Prefer Jem's version of Yellow, I find her voice suit the song and the mood very well. Hmmm... Big bright moon, Jem's Yellow, (perhaps add-on a glass of wine...) - simply sexy.

YELLOW
by Jem

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah they were all yellow
I came alone
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And he was called yellow

So then i took my turn
Oh what a thing too done
And he was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know
You know I love you so
You know I love you so

I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And he was all yellow

Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know
For you I bleed myself dry
For you I bleed myself dry

Its true
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine for you
Look how they shine

Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do

Happy Sad Song

A colleague of mine sent me a link after reading my FB status.

It was a picture of clouds and sky, followed by a song lyrics.
Lemon Tree.
I never like that song, the reason is because of the suckish Mandarin version by a female Taiwanese singer... And the song was played so often during then - on the school bus radio, tv, pasar malam... basically everywhere... Ish!

But now, when I read the lyrics, I start to understand what the song writer trying to express.
It was a happy sad song, just like the Pearl Jam's Last Kiss...

The two powerful opposed metaphors. Irony of life.

Mystery • God

The presence of mystery does not mean the absence of God.

Greetings from Kuwait

So, I am in Kuwait now...
Very sudden for lots of people, and in fact myself too.

My first impression of Kuwait - It is very BROWN...
Not only because of the sand patches everywhere, but for some reason, the buildings here all in brownish tone... Trying to camouflage perhaps???

Had a not-so-good experience at Kuwait initially, cos of the communication problem & language barrier...
I was outside the airport alone, trying to get to my company's hostel, but I could not communicate to the taxi driver, they speak Arabic language and I have no clue what they were saying, and as more of them coming in trying to help, some even started speaking to each other loudly, it truly freak me out a little...

Anyway, I still managed to reach my hostel safely, but that's also when I became emo... Being alone at a foreign land - is something I find it so hard to deal with, mainly because I felt there is no sense of security...

I have decided that after I let it out, I must do something to stop the emo-ness.
It's never wrong to show your emotion, it would be inhumane to be without emotion, but we must never dwell too long in it. Because it will consume and destroy you!

And I am thankful for the reminder that Morrie gave me, it's like a energy booster at your time of need.
I am even more thankful for the person who bought me the book, it helps alot =)
I feel like there is a friend encouraging me when I feel most helpless - in fact, Morrie & Mitch, remind me alot about Raymond & I... =)

So I kick myself out from the gloomy apartment, heading to the Marina nearby for lunch & walk around, ignoring those scary warning I heard - lady should never roam around alone... And I am so GALD I did!
Sun, sea and sand - always my remedy for sadness. Took a super long lunch at the restaurant next to the Marina, savouring the food, enjoying the scenery, and reading the book =)

After that, I took off my shoes, and went for a stroll at the beach.
I never thought I could walk on the shore at the Arabian Gulf like what I was doing, I began to feel very thankful for the experience, despite of the tough time I am going thru now...

Feeling extremely sleepy right now @ 9pm Kuwait time... I shall log off soon.
Remember me in your prayer, I long to see all of you again, especially you =)

Photos, maybe tomorrow... Cheers!

Christmas, isn't Christmas

Christmas, isn’t Christmas
Till it happened in your heart
Somewhere deep inside you
Is where Christmas really starts...

Blessed Christmas =)

Do you have enough nice pictures?

Have you ever wonder what will happen to you after your passing to the afterlife? Is there really a new world at the other side of the rainbow?

I have been thinking over this question lately, wondering if my times is up...
I always have this thought whenever the pain came back and haunt me, silly me.

Somehow, at the midst of my grey grey world, some light shed upon me through a movie & a song.

"Like you come to the island and had a holiday. Sun didn't burn you red-red, just brown. You sleep and no mosquito bite you. But the truth is, it bound to happen if you stay long enough. So take that nice picture you got in your head home with you, but don't be fooled... If we're lucky, maybe, we got some nice pictures to take with us."

Yes, how true... Every face we see and meet is a memory.
In life we are bound to have our ups and downs, therefore each picture may not be a perfect memory. But the important bit is, we can choose to remember the good part, the beautiful moment of everyone you've come across.

If this is the last moment of your life, do you have enough nice pictures with you?
For that matter, did YOU and ME have our nice picture taken together? I hope we did =)
Don't wait until it's too late.

In love with Jacaranda

I am so thankful to be here at the right time to see the blooming Jacaranda trees everywhere at Brisbane!
So I went around following the trace of Jacaranda trees, I am just so in love with it! =)

Me @ Sunshine Coast

The romantic Brisbane river at night

Back to Brisbane CBD again!

JACARANDA TREE @ New Farm Park

St Mary Cathedral @ Ipswich

Fiji Day 10: Solitary ahead... =(

The long awaited sunset, but yet something is amiss...
I am sad.

Tracing his footsteps

Had a little adventure, with only a piece of paper in my hand, I started my journey.
I found the street, I found the building.
I went into the building, then the lift. I pressed the button, and went up.
At the lift lobby, I chose the left turn, walk til the end, and I found the place.

Then I turnaround and walk away, before anyone could notice an intruder like me,
and before my tears burst out.
And I thought I am stronger than I can imagine, cos I managed to hold it right there.


But yet I cried that night, before I went to bed, silly me.

"Be Strong!"

Look Above!

Took these pictures after I sent Anne off.


Every time I look up at the sky, I remember this: God is good.
=)

What pleases you the most?

Today during a casual conversation, my friend asked me a good question, "What pleases you the most?"

I told him, without the need of worrying and thinking pleases me the most, being with the loved one pleases me the most.

Sometimes, I really worry too much, that means, I still didn't trust enough...
"Don't trust to hold God's hand; let Him hold yours. Let Him do the holding, and you the trusting."
I believe I already found the One that is able to give me all that I need, but am I letting Him in control?


So, what pleases you the most? =)

The Power of Love

I throw my painful back at the driver seat after long hours of coding & scripting at work, then I take a look at the clock, it was already 8:50pm... "Argh! I am so tired..."

Suddenly a thought caught my attention, I picked up my handphone and start calling my mom, tell her that I'm on my way home, and do expect me to be late for dinner. I think I have never call home to inform whenever I'm late, usually mom will be the one that called after certain time if I'm not home yet. And she often complaint that I am too carefree to call home every time I'm expect to be late.

I remembered once Raymond shared this in PD Camp 2006, during the "Battle of the Sexes" closing; he said, people often thought a person should be full of energy when he/she started off their day in the morning, but it was the contrary, he find greater strength when he go home each night, when he looked at the wife and the daughter, the person that he love most...

It's just so true =)
After the phone call, I felt very much refreshed. Suddenly I'm not tired anymore, because I remembered, people that I love most (and love me most) is waiting for me at home...

The driving force out of love is simply amazing. It was the same driving force that keep me going for all these years, else I would have given up as I struggle in this tough reality. Life is really tough!

As my thought go on, I remembered the loving act of Christ...

It was the power of the love - the love He had for sinners like us, that keep him going; from the false accusation & betrayal to the trial, from the trial to the flogging & mocking, from the long journey of Via Dolorosa to the cross of Calvary...

It was not the nails that held Him on the cross, but His love for us... The love that beyond our human mind can fathom.

I often pray that I would be able to understand, or catch a glimpse of the extend of His love for me, help me Lord!
May the power of Your love change my stone-cold heart...

Partnership in Christ

Today, during our 2nd Leaders' Training session, we talked about "Partnership".

To have this "Partnership", first we need to have a common vision in mind, and therefore being able to synergize each other to go the distance we never thought we could.

As I reminiscent the past few years being a leader in the youth, the partnership I misses the most, is the partnership with Yen Ling during JM year.
Year 2006 - the JM year is such an eventful year, that it will never get wipe out from my memory...

We both had a so-called disastrous start, haha! I shall spare you from the not-so-exemplary details. But yet we can see how God works wonderfully in our friendship =)
From ignoring each other existence, to being able to understand each other better, to learn to respect each other, to learn to open up to each other, and to being able to support one another both mentally & spiritually.

I remember the hard work we have to go thru when we were sewing the Scottish kilts in Linus’ house, almost every night. I remember the down time we've go thru together as a group, to learn to handle defeats & disappointments. I remember both the difficult and happy moments while supporting our group & commander. I remember how you being a good example, of handling certain situations that I would never be “cool” enough to deal with it. I remember how we've support one another with our strengths and weaknesses. I remember how we used to share our burden in the ministry together. I remember how we've try to be there for each other during the hard time we each have to go thru personally. I remember how you've show your support during the most difficult moment of my life. I would never be able to come this far without you.

I don’t know if you would ever read this, but I thank God for having you in my life, you are one of the beautiful friend and sister, that God had so graciously bestow upon me to make my life beautiful. Things would certainly not the same without you...


And I do not have the time to pen down the late-blooming partnership with Nigel last year… It was such a privilege to begin my “deputy-ship” (if there is such word) with such a talented Commander…

But today, when I look around, I miss these people…
I long to have this Partnership in Christ experience once more, if God is willing. But would that happen again? I wonder..

Dear God, help me!
Don't forget in the darkness, what you've learn in the light.

Faith vs Fate

It had been quite some times since my last post, not in a mood of blogging, kinda afraid my negative emotions will spread to others...
But this post, too is a negative one... Ha! Sorry, I'm just being me...

Watched a show today, the ending was sad.
So got a liltle bit depressed at the mo...
It just remind me of how things in life won't happen according to the way you want it to be - no matter how hard you tried; but yet you've got no choice but to go through it.

人生 - 无奈; 做女人 - 更无奈...

When faith vs fate, what we gotta remember is - "for men, it is faith; for God, it is fate"
And we all have a decision to make, a path to choose.
I wonder what is await for me at my "destiny"?

Dear God, help us, and help me!
Help us not only learn to go through life, but to grow through life.
And I am tired, restore me...
Help me to see it through Your eyes...